me again. WHY?

This has happened.

Yet again.

Only this time it hit me in the most violent, unimaginably cruel way.
Again, I m disappointed. I have been punished for vesting hope. Although I don’t suppose I have any right whatsoever to redress, because everything is far beyond my purview, but what the hell, can’t a person be disappointed?

Shit, shit, shit. It is difficult to believe that crap of paper. Difficult to write down how my head was reeling after reading it. But then, that was then, an hr ago. Now I guess I m fine, and have yet again been proved right.

I DON’T FRIKKIN’ NEED YA FOR MY SURVIVAL. I don’t care whether u rot in hell or screw in some damned corner. I m free, please, please, please, I want to be free. Why the hell am I so vulnerable? Probably this is not enough, I have to steel myself even more. If my fortress would give away every now and then, I don’t suppose I have the rights to harbour such thoughts.

ich hasse mich

What the fuck? Why do I even care? Oh, and this being a new yr, I should probly start with some crappy new year wish. But then, is it really relevant? Aren’t we just being imposters when we wish each other happy new year blah blah blah. I don’t suppose there is way to make it sound less conventional, but even if there were, would it make the wish any closer to the heart? I don’t think so, and I personally find it very perfunctory. Everything has a reason, even if something seems to be there for its own sake. Why is it that we have to be bogged down with some social customs, which frankly speaking, hardly serve any purpose? New year, ha! I ask u? what the hell does it mean to u? just because some dumbass decided that from whenever 1st of jan comes around, we increase the third column of the date by one? How many ppl realize that it is a new day everyday, a new hour every hour, and new minute every minute, rather than celebrating some stupid event once every 365 days? Man! Ppl r crazy, and we live in a mad mad world. I m sure ppl think this way, except that no one ever bothers to worry himself to a change.

Isn’t it amazing how a small thing can shatter ur whole chain of prejudices, ur whole ideas upon which u base mountains of castles in ur own private air? Whatever u feel like for ages, whatever u have felt like for so long, everything comes down in a moment, in a sentence that one utters, in a thought that one elicits, in any bloody dumb simplest of activities, and u r left with the ashes, in a hope to rebuilt, get there again. Not knowing that at that end, things might go awry all over again. Man! I never realized it until today, shit! I have been such an ass.

And u know what is worse? It is when the old feelings come back, and strike u with such a force. A feeling that u had thought was dead long ago, a feeling, a sentiment, that u were meticulous enough to burn every inch of, and let its ashes off into a strong wind. And then, before u even realize, and think that ur life has been going great guns, just at that moment, it hits u the worst, and u end up criticizing urself for being an ass for not getting that thing away properly, and that u will have to battle it all over again. It does not matter that it has grown strong, a phoenix risen from its ashes, to haunt u all over again, to invade ur wonderful life and the great time that u have been having, and then u r back to square one. Man! I hate this. I hate my own fallibility. I hate not being able to conquer my emotions to render them weightless, despite my all-out efforts. It is in that one despairing moment, that u realize that all the victories that u have been claiming r false victories, that u have been building a castle out of sand, and in that one moment, the gust sweeps away ur moment of pride, and substituted in its place is that same old gloomy feeling, of hopelessness, that shiver in the dark with the light receding away, that utter loneliness. Any search for warmth is futile. U r ur own beacon, ur own friend, and ur own soulmate. The worse part is, u always realize it the hard way, and that is when it hits u, and hurts, and hurts very very bad indeed. Ask me!

I hate being human on the account of being a slave of my fallibility. Why do I have to be like that? Why can’t I be stronger, colder, and necessarily and objectively better? Why do I have to be vulnerable?

Why? Why? Why?


So tear me open, pull me out…
And the things inside me scream and shout….