December... and beyond

December’s been a month of reunions, starting, fittingly, with the grand family one, and ending, strangely, again with the not-so-grand-yet-family one. In between, the weekends, one with little lies, and other with lies, lies and damned lies, pretending to be at four places at the same time, and not in a position to relay the adventures of any one. In the midst of it all, few realizations – one of distances that weren’t as abysmal as I thought, and second, of those that aren’t as nigh as I thought, a third, a realization of people I never knew I could miss, and a fourth, of people who I thought I’d really miss. I overcalculated.

Taking names in public has never been a wont – a simple precautionary measure against being caught off-guard in an appreciative mood, as also the reciprocal.

One concert, two movies, one rendezvous and a bit of official pretext. One rendezvous, two movies, and whole lotta pretexts. One weekend, one guitar, and whole lotta booze and cribs. One rendezvous aboard a flight, one after tons of conflicting schedules, one rendezvous-in-waiting and one rendezvous not for myself, but for certain others, for whom I’ve had pretexts to the point of condemnation. One could-have-been rendezvous that never did. Few unexpected and expected calls that turned the spirits skyward, and few others – that never came, laughing my own theories about life at my own face.

And in the midst of all this, I’ve found myself not alone but lonely, not happy but smiling, not apologetic but guilty, not forgiving but forgiven. A mix and match of antipodes, self-contradicting and yet not yielding.

There’s something else I’ve realized too. In the midst of a transition from a slowly-becoming-painfully-slow bhadra life to an increasingly-becoming-live-by-the-minute bollaram life, I have gradually become the poster boy of Bollaram. And I am pretty sure I do not like it.

It’s the end of another year. Chronologically progressive but humanly regressive. Every year marks the end of another road and the fork at another crossroad. This one’s no different. Except that concerns that were fringe issues suddenly appear looming. Concerns that were looming have turned gargantuan. The year had more than a regular share of ups and downs, which is probably just a portent, but was inevitable anyway, I guess – if not this time, then some others. The timing would always appear wrong, I guess too.

I just hope I’ve learned my lessons.

And maybe someday I might actually learn to say something I’ve wanted to.