Whither Thou Go'est?

The eternal question of life, the universe, and pretty much everything has returned to haunt, and with a doggedness never seen before. As a state of suspended animation continues, you find yourself at yet another crossroad, the difference being that this one arrives at the bottom of an extended trough, and with a dubiety shaky enough to waggle the strongest of convictions.

A wanderlust spirit stuck in the middle of nowhere isn’t exactly the most commented on dichotomy around, but is probably poignant enough to merit a thought. Add to it a desire to work and contribute, only to be kept on an extended state of limbo, bad enough to kill the inclination. The turnaround from the mindset six months ago has been phenomenal. A promise of a life beyond has quickly, surreptitiously, yet surely turned into a burdensome foreboding.

With each passing day, balancing sanity and pragmatism is turning out to be a greater challenge. You come back each day, and see the same kids playing the same game at the same time each day, the same people driving the same kids up and down the same dad street on the same bikes, the same aunties watering the same plants with the same hose in the same fashion, having the same distant alien look in the eyes as they casually glance in the same direction to see you pass by.

There is no spark, there never was any. The world as they know is a confined space, defined by finite boundaries, and demarcated impressions. A fire was never needed. All that was required to sustain the finitude is the imperceptible little spark, invisible to the eyes of all but they whose delineated existence defined the boundaries of their world and their perceptions.

Do you take the same route to work everyday? The tree that greets you round the corner – does it appear the same every time you see it? Does your next door neighbour’s dog bark at you every time you pass his door? Are your ruminations taking a similar nature each time? Maybe it is time to watch out.

As before, but on entirely different occasions, and under entirely different circumstances, you can no longer associate. You do not belong here. It is not an out-of-nowhere trance, not a sudden ephemeral blip that takes you to another universe. Rather a cold and calculated numbing of perceptions, slumping of senses, and dumbing of intellect, perceptible enough to be there, imperceptible enough to cognize for, as it steadily takes sway.

Whatever little feelings of being connected (purportedly) existed have long since been quashed. You itch to fly, to spread your wings and take off, into the unknown. Too much of known can do damages beyond one’s cognizance. Too much certainty can tame the wildest of conflagrations and reduce them to flickers of a dying flame.

Before you realize, you are already one of them.